Til Kingdom Come
by WriterInTheMaking101
Summary: Nathan is in a fatal car accident and leaves Haley pregnant at eighteen. Without Nathan by her side, how will Haley cope with the day to day hardships that life is apt to bring her?
1. Anthems for a Seventeen Year Old Girl

"_The world is a fine place and worth the fighting for, and I hate very much to leave it." -Ernest Hemingway _

"I'm fine."

She started saying it so often that she sort of began to believe it. She believed that she was, at eighteen, fully capable of raising a child alone; she started to believe that the hole in her heart where Nathan had been would close up sooner rather than later; she told herself that pretty soon she wouldn't even remember the sound of his voice, the way he smelled, the safety of his arms wrapped tight around her.

And yet, no matter how many times she parroted the words to others, a fake smile plastered on her face, her eyes dull, void of their usual happiness and zest, she knew they weren't true. People approached her in the hospital, in the movie theater, when Lucas had taken her a few days ago, in the grocery store, when Brooke had dragged her out of the house, saying she **needed **to eat something, and they all asked, with that look on their faces like she was some kind of pathetic creature that needed serious mending, "Are you okay?" And each time, she'd nod briskly, rub her stomach and say, "Oh yeah, I'm fine."

But it was becoming increasingly difficult to pretend everything was okay, because she couldn't keep hanging in limbo anymore, in this in between world where nothing was absolutely certain but she was almost positive as to what the outcome of everything would be. Soon she had to make a decision, and that decision was going to break her heart. It was going to break all of their heart's.

Everyone kept telling her it would be okay, that she had all the time in the world, that this was not her fault, but none of the words they said made anything better; after it had all happened, and she was sitting, curled up on the hospital chair, Peyton had come up to her, holding onto a Styrofoam cup of coffee like it was the Holy Grail. "Can I get you anything?" she had asked. "Do anything for you?" And Haley had looked up at her and cryptically said, "I don't suppose you know how to reverse time?"

The ironic thing was that she kept expecting Nathan to turn up and make the decision for her, or at least make it with her, because although Haley was nothing if weak willed, she had gotten so used to having him there all the time; he was there to hold her hand and make sure everything was okay. He was her own personal Superman, clearing the road ahead of any possible traffic blocks before they could even stand in her way.

In a situation like this, Haley **needed **her husband with her, she needed him to tell her what he thought she should do, she needed to hear him say that no matter what she did everything would turn out okay in the end, that whatever choice she made was the right one.

When she sat by the hospital bed, holding tightly onto his limp hand, singing softly to him, when she woke up in the middle of the night because Lucas was carrying her from the couch back into his bedroom (she couldn't, _wouldn't _stay in **their **house), when she caught Peyton and Brooke sneaking panicked, upset glances at each other, Haley wondered what she had done to deserve something like this.

Was it because she got pregnant at eighteen? Was it because of the fight her and Nathan had had a few weeks ago, about whose turn it was to buy groceries, was it because of the way she had been mean to John McCrea in the third grade, was this the world's way of saying, "here's what you get for kissing Chris Keller, for leaving your husband, for being an awful person?"

Haley wanted to blame it on someone; the person that had hit him (a seventy two year old lady named Edith that was on her way to a doctor's appointment) or the people that had built the bridge (she didn't know their names because that bridge had been around since 1892, but there was some kind of plaque by City Hall that told all about them) or maybe even the man that had sold them their car (a nice guy, with a wife and four kids, that fixed cars up and sold them for a lot cheaper than he should.).

But every time she got right down to it, Haley always ended up blaming the exact same person: herself. And really, who else was she supposed to blame? She was the one that had asked him to go out for the god damn **ice cream**, she had insisted on staying home because it was late and although she was hungry, she was really tired. She should have asked him to go a few minutes earlier, or later, or not at all. They could have stayed home and watched _The Price is Right _or they could have walked, together. She could have gone with him, and then she wouldn't have to feel any of it.

But she hadn't. And so she did.

**One Week Earlier**

Haley was hungry. It was something that seemed inevitable now that she was pregnant, and it wasn't even that she was hungry for ridiculous things (she had heard stories about women that craved pickle and liver sandwiches all through the third trimester, women that would eat only grilled cheese for weeks straight before the thought of any sort of dairy product made them feel sick), she was just... hungry. And it just so happened that while Nathan was upstairs showering, she turned on the TV and saw the commercial for Dairy Queen, the big cartoon lips doing a very good job of convincing her that she needed ice cream. Now.

"What do you think?" she asked her stomach, pretending like the baby knew exactly what she was talking about, "how does an Oreo Blizzard sound right about now? Hm? Pretty tasty, right."

"Nathan!" she called up the stairs. "NATHAN!"

"What is it, Hales?" Nathan stuck his head out of the bathroom door, steam pouring out behind him.

"Baby.. I'm hungry."

He smiled to himself, because what else was new? "Uh-huh," he waited for what he knew was coming.

"Do you think you could pick up.. some ice cream, or something? I have money!" she threw her wallet in the general direction of the upstairs bathroom; it landed with a dull thud at the bottom of the stairs.

"I don't know," (of course he knew, it was Haley, for god's sakes), "I mean.. what's in it for me?"

"Maybe, if you're really good, I'll let you have some of it."

"Some of what?" he said suggestively.

"Some of my Blizzard, you freak."

"Oh man.. Hales, I don't know. I really don't think that's gonna do it for me. I'm a growing boy."

"Growing boy, my ass."

"It's true!" he held up his hands in protest. "I'm coming downstairs, I don't like talking to you from so far away."

He thumped down the stairs, wearing nothing but a tiny hand towel around his waist. "So, a Blizzard is all I'm gonna get? It's all **you're **gonna get? You sure about that, Hales?"

She threw a pillow at him.

"Hey! Do you **want** more children?" he cried, sidestepping the pillow.

"Alright!" she giggled. "If you go get a Blizzard.. we'll see. But why you'd ever want to.. Nathan: look at me. I'm a monster. I bet you can't even pick me up anymore. This baby is making me huge."

In an instant, Nathan was by the couch and in one smooth movement he bent down and effortlessly lifted Haley, kissing her on the nose. "You," he said, "are the most beautiful woman in the whole entire world."

"Promise?"

"Of course I promise, you doofus."

"Doofus?" Haley smiled, and lightly slapped Nathan's shoulder. "What are you, eight?"

"Almost.. what kind of Blizzard?" he asked, setting her back down on the couch.

"Oreo.. and get something for yourself, okay?"

He nodded. "Bye Haley."

"See ya, stud."

And he walked out the door. Later on, it would occur to Haley that she hadn't told him she loved him; they **always **said it to each other. Always. What made her not say it that night? Was it because the Dairy Queen was five minutes away from their house, because it was a Tuesday and since when did anything bad happen on Tuesday nights at nine thirty? Did she just assume that Nathan knew, that there was no need to tell him again.

But if she had known that this would be the last time she would ever see him, fully see him, as he should be, what would she have said differently? Would she have told him that he was everything to her? Taken the time to thank him? Or would she just have let him go, because she'd want him to believe that everything was fine?

She knew however, around ten o'clock that something was wrong. Because it wasn't that nice of a night out, and the longest she'd ever had to wait in line for an ice cream cone was five minutes. And so she started to worry. She started to remember all the CSI episodes she had seen, the documentaries on TV about the missing, the bodies that were found days (or weeks, or **months **later) in garbage bags, in the bottom of the river, tied up in the basement. She started to prepare herself for a knock on the door, a phone call; "There has been an accident," was what she was prepared to hear. "I'm so sorry." She kept picturing the doctor saying it to her, over and over again.

She chewed on her nails until they bled, she tried to pretend like Nathan had just gone for a drive, she spoke out loud to the baby to try to calm him down, while really she was trying to make herself believe that everything was okay.

She thought maybe he was with Lucas, maybe they were talking about the state championship, thinking up strategies; he could be at Rachel's for all she cared, so long as he was safe . So she called Lucas. "Hello?" he sounded groggy when he answered (a tiny part of her mind wondered who, in their right mind, could possibly be sleeping right now, before realizing that only she was worried about Nathan, and she wondered how many other people were sitting up, waiting and hoping), and Haley knew he wasn't there. But she had to ask.

"Luke?" her voice was tiny. "Is.. is Nathan over at your house?"

"No, Hales.. why?"

She fought to keep everything steady; because if her voice shook, if her hands trembled, then it was all real and something was wrong. "He left to get me ice cream almost.. forty minutes ago and he's not back. And I'm really worried," she couldn't pretend with Lucas, that everything was fine when it wasn't.

"Okay.. where did he go?"

"Just to the Dairy Queen, Luke it's five minutes from here, at tops."

Lucas was silent and for a moment, she thought he didn't believe her, that he'd tell her to stop worrying and that Nathan was going to walk in the door any second, with some ridiculous reason as to why he was so late. "I'll come over."

"It's okay!" she said, her words meaningless. "You don't have to, it's stupid. I just.. I thought maybe he would be over with you. It's fine! Maybe.. maybe you could just drive around, and see if you can see him? See if maybe he's with Skills or stuck in traffic.. or something."

This was pointless, she knew, but at least it gave her a hope that maybe he **was **stuck in traffic (at ten twenty?) or maybe he and Skills were down at the River Court (he had learned that lesson a few weeks ago when he had gone to get Haley a burger and had been sidetracked by the serene court and the ball, and he'd know now to do that again.).

"Sure, Hales. Do you want to come?"

"I think.. I'll just stay here," she said quietly, "in case he comes home?"

"He'll be fine," Lucas told her, and Haley couldn't tell if it was a genuine promise or just the sort of thing you were supposed to say when your best friend's husband was missing.

"Please Luke.. bring him home."


	2. Teenage Wasteland

**Thank you so much for all the wonderful reviews! I've really forgotten what it was like to have people say such positive things about your story, and I appreciate them all so much! It's rare that I'll update this twice in one day, but when I start writing a story that I genuinely like, I usually can churn out a few chapters in a day or two! **

**Just a little sidenote: I've never written any type of One Tree Hill Fan Fiction before, so I'm sorry if certain people are out of character, I'm just trying to get a handle on everyone! Thank you SO much for reading! :)**

"_Why love if losing hurts so much? We love to know that we are not alone."- C.S. Lewis_

Haley was calling the police; she didn't know why, but she couldn't just keep sitting at home and pacing back in forth in front of the window, waiting to see Nathan, Lucas or an ambulance (in order of which one she wanted to see most) pull into the driveway. She had to feel like she was doing something, that in someway she was helping.

"Hello, Tree Hill Police, how may I help you?"

"Hi.. um, I'm Haley James Scott."

"Please state your emergency, Mrs Scott?"

"My.." Haley blushed furiously and she realized how stupid she must sound. "My husband is missing."

The dispatcher cleared her throat. "How long has he been missing for?"

She glanced over at the clock on the microwave. "Almost an hour." She read in the newspaper once that they wouldn't issue Amber Alerts for missing kids for at least twenty four hours after they were missing, before they'd post the alert on their website, start running it on the ticker tape on CNN. She suddenly realized how all the other terrified parents felt; as though they were the only exception to the rule, not realizing that at this very moment in time, when they were certain that they were the only people going through the agonizing pain and the worry, that there were hundreds of other people making the very same phone call, waiting to hear the answer as to how to get back the person they had lost.

"How old is your husband?" Maybe this lady thought Nathan had some kind of mental disability, maybe she thought **Haley **had some kind of mental disability.

"He.. he's.. you know what! He just walked in the door right now, I'm so sorry to bother you," Haley hung up the phone before the woman could say anymore, curled up into a tiny ball and sobbed openly.

**One Tree Hill**

Peyton was riding shotgun beside Lucas and what had started out as a fairly light hearted car drive around Tree Hill, staring half heartedly out the window for Nathan's familiar shape, was quickly creating a pit of fear in the center of Peyton's stomach; it was like a spilled glass of juice in the way that it started out a tiny puddle, barely noticeable, and then in the time it took to get a few paper towels, it had spread all over the place, dripping down the table and staining everything it came into contact with.

"Lucas?" she asked him, peering intently out into the dark night.

"Yeah?"

"Do you think he's okay?"

"I. I don't know. I want to think so, Peyt, I want to think that Nathan is fine."

"But?"

"But I don't know."

"I **hope** he is," she let out a deep breath she had been holding in. "You think hope is enough?"

He smiled at her. "Maybe."

"Hope didn't keep my mom alive.. or Ellie," she shrugged. "Maybe you're just supposed to hold on tight and never let them go."

"It's like that one band.. what are they called? Named after an insect, one of them's a Lord now, or something?" he teased her gently.

"The Beatles, you ass."

"Oh, right.. **totally **slipped my mind. I think sometimes all you can do is love. Sometimes it's enough and sometimes it's not," he indicated right and turned down a street littered with beautifully groomed houses, immaculate gardens and porch swings. "But as long as you love them.. I think that's all that matters."

And that's when they saw the cars, the flashing lights, the ambulance, the stretchers. The end.

**One Tree Hill**

"Shit," Lucas said, under his breath. "Oh, shit."

"Maybe.." Peyton squeezed her hands together. "Is that his car? Maybe.."

Lucas jumped out of the car, parking it haphazardly at the side of the road. "Excuse me," a tall, burly officer gestured back to Lucas's car, "sir, I'm going to have to ask you to vacate the premise, we need to get this man to the hospital as soon as possible."

And they caught a glimpse of Nathan; it was a split second glimpse, but it was all the information they needed: the only thing recognizable as a body part on Nathan's entire face was his nose; the rest was a mix of blood and skin and.. dear god, was there wood in there? Peyton grabbed Lucas's arm, and Lucas's head shot up at the officer. "That's my brother," he said."That's.. that's Nathan Scott."

**One Tree Hill**

Haley launched for the phone the second she heard the possibility of a ring, shoving it as close as she could to her ear, as though whoever was on the other end would gain physical closeness to her if only she held tightly to the phone. "Nathan?" she hoped.

"Hales."

It was Lucas's voice. She shook her head. "No." her voice was less than a whisper.

"Oh, Haley. There was an accident."

"Lucas," she sobbed into the phone. "Please. Don't."

"I'm coming to get you right now, Hales, bring you to the hospital. He's not.. he's not.. he's still alive, but it's.. it's really bad."

**One Tree Hill**

Brooke wasn't sure exactly what time it was, all she knew was that the phone was ringing and it was late, and so something must be wrong. She felt ridiculous, stumbling out of bed like she was a very boring character from a very boring movie, but being woken up by the shrill ring of a phone wasn't the most soothing of things. She groped around for the phone for a minute, before finding it down by a pair of socks and an old hairbrush.

"Hello?" she tried to clear her throat. "Hi?"

"Brooke.. it's me."

"Peyton, what's wrong?"

On the other end, Brooke could hear Peyton's breath shudder. "Peyton?"

"Brooke, there's been an accident."

Brooke shook her head, because all this was too much. Why did everything happen to them? "No."

"It was.. Nathan was hit, and he.. he wasn't wearing his seatbelt, Brooke and he.. he flew out the windshield and," Peyton was sobbing now, and Brooke wasn't able to continue just standing there.

"Peyton. What happened," Brooke was gentle, but firm.

"He flew out the windshield and he was hit by a truck."

"In the car?" she said hopefully.

"Uh-uh. When he was.. when he went through the windshield."

"Peyton.."

"It's really bad, Brooke."

"I'm on my way. I'm coming right now and I.. I don't know.. everything is going to be fine. It has to be. This isn't happening again."

**One Tree Hill**

Deb was in her room, watching the news (one of the few channels they allowed in the place, because anything remotely entertaining promoted excessive use of drugs, alcohol or more often than not, both), when she found out that her son was brain dead, and was probably never going to get to play at the state championship, never going to get to go to prom, or to hold his son.

"Breaking news," a young woman with ridiculously shiny hair was standing solemnly outside of the Tree Hill hospital. "Mayor Dan Scott's youngest son Nathan is in critical condition here at Tree Hill hospital after being struck by an oncoming transport truck. Nathan was flung from his windshield after he was hit from behind by a van, after which he was hit by the truck. Back to you, Patricia."

**One Tree Hill**

Haley didn't know what was happening or why it was happening (especially to her, to him, to them, all over again but a million times worse), all she knew was that it **was **happening. She was sitting on the hard floor, her head resting on Lucas's shoulder, his coat wrapped around her shoulders. It seemed impossible to her that only a little over an hour ago, she had been kissing Nathan, he had been going to get her ice cream; they were happy and together fine. And now, he was in a coma, and the doctors said he probably wasn't going to wake up, and that even if he did wake up, he was going to have severe brain damage; he most likely wouldn't remember who she was, he probably wouldn't know how to speak or walk or go to the bathroom for himself.

"Why aren't they doing surgery?" she asked to no one in particular. "They're supposed to be doing surgery and.. fixing him."

"They can't."

"Why the hell not, Lucas?"

"Because Hales.. there's nothing they can do for him, not right now." he squeezed Haley's hand.

"There is," she fought the tears, "there's always something they can do. Always. Why now? Why us?"

**One Tree Hill**

Brooke and Peyton had somehow ended up on the third floor; the maternity ward. They were staring at rows and rows of babies; babies that were sleeping and crying and just lying there, wiggling their toes and trying to figure out what was going on in this big world with whom they had just been introduced. Mothers held their babies close to their chests, fathers stared in awe as their little girls wrapped their tiny, smooth fingers around their big, rough ones.

They stared at one dad in particular, who was sitting on a chair in the hallway, holding his son. He was talking gently to him, kissing the crown of his head, rubbing his back. And both of them were thinking the exact same thing.

"That's never going to be Nathan," Brooke said, and they turned to each other, crying and clutching onto each other.

They stood out as the only unhappy people on the entire floor; amidst a sea of new beginnings and hope, Peyton and Brooke were facing a heartbreaking dead end.


	3. Sink or Swim

**Hey everybody! I really wanted to give you guys a killer huge update before school starts (first day of grade nine tomorrow! I AM SO SCARED!) but all I managed was this one! Thank you so much for reading everybody, all the reviews mean the world to me! I hope everybody has a promising last few days of summer!**

"_You can't be brave if you've only had wonderful things happen to you."- Mary Tyler Moore_

Dan Scott felt near schizophrenic; he was two people: the mayor and the father, and right now, the father was telling the mayor to shut the hell up and grieve for the death of his son. Except, the mayor reminded him, his son wasn't exactly **dead**, so to speak. His heart was still beating, but only because it was hooked up to a machine; he was still breathing, but only because something else was doing it for him. There was no brain activity, no sign that Nathan Scott was having thoughts or emotions or any sort of technical thing that qualifies someone as alive rather than dead.

He was sure that it was a silly mistake and that any moment now, Nathan would sit up, smile and say, "What the hell was that all about?" But more and more time was passing in which all Nathan did was lie there, and yet somehow, the more more minutes that went by, the meow Dan grew convinced that Nathan was going to be fine. Ironic, he knew, as all possible evidence suggested the exact opposite, but it was Nathan Scott, for god's sakes, his son.

When Nathan was four years old, he fell out of the tree house in their backyard, and smashed his head on their outdoor fireplace. The doctors had said that he might have had severe trauma to his tiny little head and that they should prepare themselves for the worst; Nathan came out of the ER with a few stitches and a Spiderman Band-Aid. When he was seven, the pit bull from down the street bit Nathan square on the nose while he was home alone; Nathan had fainted and it had been almost two hours before anyone found him. The doctors said he was lucky that the dog hadn't completely bit off the tip of Nathan's nose, or that Nathan hadn't bled out in the time he'd been. Damn it, when Nathan was seventeen, he jumped off a bridge to save his friends, and almost drowned in the process. He went home that same day, absolutely fine. And yet, something as simple as going out to get ice cream could turn into a life or death situation?

Why now? Why now, did fate decide to take his son from him when everything was just beginning for him. Perhaps a more stoic man would have pointed out that Nathan could have easily died all those times before, and perhaps Dan could just be thankful for the eighteen years he had with his son.

A more stoic man would not be sitting in the waiting room of the hospital, looking up ways to bring someone out of an irreversible coma (the name enough should have been a clue to Dan that there _was _no way.)

But right now, this was all that Dan knew: he knew facts and, more importantly, he knew that he wasn't going to be able to sit beside his son's death bed, and say something that resembled a goodbye, an apology, an inspiring speech to make him wake up.

Dan couldn't do any of these things, so he sat and Googled cures to a disease that was not fixable.

**  
One Tree Hill**

Haley once had a dream where something like this happened; her and Nathan were out for a walk, when an airplane swooped down and decapitated her husband. Okay, so it had been a transport truck and not an airplane, and in real life he was brain dead, not missing a head, although Haley reasoned the two were the exact same.

In the dream, Haley had picked up Nathan's head, put it into her purse, and continued walking down the street, patting his head affectionately every few minutes. When she woke up the dream had horrified her and she'd looked over at Nathan sleeping beside her, and suddenly, it was all okay, because he was right there beside her.

"And so," she was saying, into Nathan's ear, "if you could just open your eyes, that would be really nice. I need you, Nathan. Our son needs you and I.. I think if you die, I will too. I'll die on the inside. Please," she squeezed his hand, "please, Nathan." She repeated it over and over like some kind of sick mantra, until all the words blended together and didn't even sound like **words **anymore, just letters, shoved together to make some kind of warbled sound.

Lucas opened the door gently. "Hales? The doctors want to talk to you."

"I'm sick of doctors," she said quietly.

He held out his hand to her. "Come on."

"I mean it, Luke. They think they know everything about Nathan, they think they understand the way he works, but they don't know him the way I do! They don't know that he's a fighter, that he won't let this thing consume him."

She didn't know she was crying until Lucas reached up and wiped a tear from her cheek. "Oh, Haley." He folded her into his arms, and held her tightly, while she cried into his sweater. "I am so sorry this is happening to you," he said over top of her head, because it was the only thing he could think of to say.

Dr. Gould was the man that had been dealing with Nathan's case; he was tall and balding, and he often looked as though he'd much rather be at home with some coffee and a good book, than at the hospital, saving (or in this case, trying to save) lives.

"Haley," he smiled down at her. "I'm really sorry to have to bring this up with you, but.. do you think we could go somewhere to talk. Alone?" he raised his eye brows.

"Whatever you say in front of me, you can say in front of him," Haley said, nodding towards Lucas, and Dr. Gould sighed, before leading them into a small room equipped with a cold, wooden desk and a few chairs.

"Haley, it's about Nathan and.. the life support. Essentially, it's the only thing keeping him alive. If we-"

"I know," Haley said sharply. "I know what life support means."

"If we take him off it it-"

"I know!" Haley cried. "If you take him off of the god damn life support, he will die. I understand that."

"Hales," Lucas said to her, out of the corner of his mouth. He put his hand on top of hers. "It's okay."

"I'm sorry, Mrs. Scott, we just need to make sure you understand, before we move on to talk about what you want to do," Dr. Gould stared kind of sadly at Haley.

"About what?" she said, calmer this time.

"Well, as Nathan is eighteen, and married, you are the person that is left to decide whether or not we.. for lack of a better word, turn off the life support," Dr. Gould folded his hands together. "Of course, we'll give you as much time as you need to think about it, and there's no rush we just.. I thought I'd let you know it's something you might want to start thinking about."

"Okay," she nodded. "Okay," quieter this time, her legs shaking hard as she stood up.

"Haley. I'm so sorry."

She smiled up at him. "It isn't your fault."

Dr. Gould nodded and shut the door gingerly behind him, leaving Lucas and Haley alone. "Hales," he tried to reach out to her someway, but she shrugged it off.

"I have to go, Luke."

"Haley.. where are you going?" She knew he meant it as where the hell did she have to go; she was supposed to be deciding whether or not her husband was going to be kept alive, or die.

"I need a minute, okay? I need to get out of here and I just.. I need to think."

"I'll come?" he said it as a half question, half statement, because although Haley was his best friend and under normal circumstances he would follow her, no matter what. But this sure as hell wasn't a normal circumstance; neither of them knew what exactly was expected of them, how they were supposed to react.

"No," she shook her head. "I need to be alone, I think?" she looked at him for approval and he nodded his head.

"Sure, Hales, whatever you need. Just.. I'm always here, okay? Don't forget that."

**One Tree Hill**

"They need her to decide if she's going to turn off the life support," he explained to Peyton; she nodded, and took in a deep shaky breath.

"I mean," she tucked a strand of hair behind, "is there **any **chance he's gonna wake up?"

He wanted to tell Peyton what she wanted to hear; that, statistically proven, Nathan was bound to wake up eventually, that of course he'd be fine and of course we would remember all their names and **his **own name, for god's sakes. But he couldn't, because it was a lie, and as much as it hurt, he needed to be honest.

"It.. it doesn't look good, Peyt. The doctors said-"

"Sometimes," she said deliberately, as if slowing everything down made any difference," doctors can be wrong. Right, Luke? You said it.. there was that thing on TV last week, and that kid came into the ER and all that was wrong was that he had the flu, but they diagnosed him with leukemia, or something?"

He nodded. "Sure. I remember that."

"And so, maybe they think Nathan's not going to wake up, but they could be wrong. Doctors.. they're just people, and they make mistakes, and it doesn't mean that Nathan still isn't Nathan."

"But Peyton," he said gently, "he isn't really Nathan anymore. His heart is beating but everything else that makes Nathan, Nathan; his personality, his laugh.. all those things, they're gone."

Her shoulders sagged, and all the hope and the fire that Lucas always saw in Peyton Sawyer were suddenly gone.

"Peyton.." he said.

She looked up at him, tears spilling out of her eyes. "This sucks, Luke."

"I know," he said, as he stepped forward to put his arms tightly around her. "I know."

**One Tree Hill**

"Haley?" Brooke wasn't sure where she expected to find Haley, but it sure as hell wasn't in the cancer ward of the hospital, sitting outside a hospital room housing a little, bald girl. She sat down carefully beside Haley and stared curiously at her for a second. She almost asked if she was okay, but it was a question ridiculous beyond belief.

"Do you believe in miracles, Brooke?"

Brooke wanted to be careful here; she wanted to be wise and sophisticated and reassure Haley in all the right ways. But she didn't know how. "Miracles like Nate waking up?"

Haley nodded, a quick little nod that Brooke would have missed, had she not been eying her so closely. "I think that sometimes, Hales, good things happen. You and Nathan met each other, and that was a good thing. You got married, and you got pregnant, and those were other good things. But I think that on top of being a great place sometimes, the world.. it can also be a really, really shitty place, and sometimes things happen to amazing people, like you, people that really don't deserve it."

"So?" she asked.

Brooke sighed and offered her hand to Haley. "So, I think that.. you never know. Because life is unpredictable, and sometimes that means good things and sometimes it means bad things. And, Hales, I know that's not what you want to hear, it's not what I want to tell you, but it's the truth."

Haley was shaking now, her hands clamped to her elbows, her knee caps supporting each other. "It's okay, Haley," Brooke said gently. "It's okay."

"No it's not, Brooke. Nothing is okay. My husband is brain dead, he's a god damn vegetable. **Nothing **is okay."

"I mean," she said, "that it's okay to be scared, and it's okay to cry. You shouldn't keep everything bottled up."

"If I cry," she said, "then it means Nathan is really never going to wake up and if I believe it, then it will happen."

"Sweetie, Peyton has cried. I've cried. Damn it, Lucas has even cried. It's okay for you to."

Brooke waited for a minute, and as soon as Haley's hands unclasped and her shoulders went slack, she pulled her tightly to her. The little girl on the hospital bed smiled at Brooke sadly, as she rubbed Haley's back.

"There you go," she said. "See. It's okay. It's all okay."

**One Tree Hill**

When Haley woke up, Lucas was crouched down beside her, gently trying to shake her awake. "Come on, Hales."

"Luke," her voice cracked, and she wiped the sleep out of her eyes. "What's going on?"

"I'm gonna take you home, buddy. Nathan's.. asleep and the doctors said it's probably good for you to get some sleep, okay?"

She was too tired to protest, so she let Lucas help her up, put his arm around her shoulders, while she put hers around his waist and leaned into him. "Can we go to your place?"

"Sure," he said, no questions asked.

"I just.."

"You don't have to explain anything to me, Haley. I understand."

A tiny voice in Haley's head said _No, you don't. You don't understand what it's like to have the person you love more than anything in the world taken from you, for no good reason. You can't imagine the way it feels to have your heart broken, a million times over, every time you forget, every time you see the machines and feel the cold of his skin. You don't know what it's like._

**One Tree Hill**

She woke up more times than she could count, gasping for breath, shaking, sobbing. She woke Lucas up every time; she apologized profusely every time, and every time he shook his head, and held her tight to him, soothing her back to sleep.

She was asleep now, but it didn't look like a peaceful kind of sleep; her face was contorted and she'd moan every so often, calling out Nathan's name. He didn't understand why this was happening to her; his Haley, who was so good, and deserved so much better than this.

For a second, he was angry at Nathan for leaving her like this, he wanted to hurt him for doing this to all of them, he wanted to make him see that he didn't just get lie their in his god damn hospital bed (even though the logical part of Lucas knew that that Nathan, the Nathan that was lying in the hospital bed, was not the Nathan they knew), acting like a prince, while the rest of them sat around and waited, and hoped, and cried for him.

Lucas almost wished that Nathan had died, and he knew it sounded horrible, but if he had died, that would have been it. It would have been horrible still, of course, but at least then they would have some sick form of closure; Haley wouldn't be left to choose the fate of a husband that barely even existed anymore, he wouldn't have to stand by and watch as it all crushed his best friend into a thousand tiny little pieces, into a fragile creature that he barely even recognized anymore.

She twitched again, eyes flying open. "Damn it," she muttered. "I'm sorry Luke. I'll sleep on the floor, or something."

"Haley," he waved away her apologies. "Don't."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, Hales, I'm sure. Absolutely positive."


	4. Details in the Fabric

**Merry Christmas everyone. (: **

"_Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure." - Oprah Winfrey_

"You know there's this thing," Haley explained to Lucas over a bowl of Frosted Flakes, "it's called Locked In Syndrome, and it's like.. you're in a coma, but you can hear and understand **everything **that's going on around you. Some guy wrote a **book** about it, Luke."

He tried to figure out the best way to let her down, to gently drag here away from this fantasy world she had created for herself. "Hales," he drowned a piece of cereal with his spoon.

"It's possible," she said, her words cut tightly and crisp. "It is, okay? You can blink or you can.. you can only move your pinkie, but you can still.. think and you're still alive. It happens."

"Okay."

"I just need something to believe. Is that so much to ask for? Just.. something that makes me believe that he's going to be okay."

Lucas bit his lip. "Do you think that's what happened to Nathan? That.. the locked in thing?"

She folded her arms. "What are you trying to do to me here, Lucas? If.. if this was Peyton, if something happened to her and a bunch of men in white coats told you that there was absolutely nothing you could do to save her, wouldn't you want something to believe in? Something that made you think maybe things were going to be okay?"

"Haley I-"

"Lucas. Just answer the question, for god's sakes," she said, her voice shaking. "If you were me, and it was Peyton lying in the hospital bed, wouldn't you want to think she was going to be okay?"

His voice softened. "Of course I would."

"Then can't we just pretend we're little and this is all a big game of house, and that Nathan will wake up and we'll all go back to the way we were? It's ridiculous," she had abandoned her cereal and was now sitting, cross legged, on the edge of her chair. "I know it is, but that doesn't mean I don't want it to be true."

Lucas didn't know what to say to this, didn't know how to tactfully tell his best friend that they were no longer four years old. "I want to go back too, Hales."

"Just even.. back to." she had to stop for a moment, swallowing constrictedly. "Back to that night.. and it was a Blizzard, for god's sakes, I didn't even want it **that** badly. Oh, Luke, I made him go and I shouldn't have, I should have let him stay and then none of this would be happening."

"Haley. Listen to me," Lucas reached his hands out, trying to get to her in some way, and settled for placing them gently on her crossed knees. She looked up at him and the look on her face was one he had never seen before; one of pure terror and innocence and guilt. "What happened with Nathan? It was **not **your fault. It was an accident and it never should have happened, but it wasn't your fault."

"Lucas," her entire body shuddered as she said his name. "Don't try and make me feel better about this."

"I'm not saying this to try and make you feel better," he said, frightened to hear the edge in his voice, "I'm saying it because it's the truth, and you are not _allowed _to blame yourself for this, becaue the fact that Nathan was hit by a car, the fact that he flew through the windshield? Haley. There was nothing you could have done to prevent that from happening."

He felt her head drop slightly, coming to rest on his shoulder, and he closed his arms around her. "I'm sorry, Hales. I want to make this all go away for you. But I can't."

"I know," she said quietly, nestling deeper into him. Tears slid down her face and stained a wet spot on Lucas's shirt; he rubbed her back and they sat like that for a long time, holding onto each other, because it seemed that right now, all they had was each other.

**One Tree Hill**

Brooke sat beside Nathan, holding a Seventeen magazine in her hand; it was the new one that had just arrived in the mail (she'd had a subscription since she was eight), but she hadn't even bothered to see who was on the cover. It was funny how quickly your priorities could be totally altered, how something as silly as a magazine could once have been something that demanded a lot of attention from her, how getting her hair perfectly straightened seemed so important such a short time ago; she hadn't had a shower in three days.

"So," she said softly, "if what the doctors say is true, then there isn't really any point in me being here. Talking to you, 'cause you can't hear or understand anything we're saying to you. But I don't really believe any of it; I think you can hear us all perfectly fine." She stopped then, because she didn't want to be the cliché girl that sobbed over her friend's hospital bed, clinging to his hand and begging him to wake up.

Instead, she rested her chin in her hands, and watched Nathan thoughtfully, as though maybe if she stared at him for long enough he'd wake up; when she was little, she used to try to do that, like she was Matilda, or something. She'd sit in the car with Victoria and concentrate on the person in the next car over, willing them to turn their face with her eyes.

"This is kinda unfair," she said, to no one in particular; it was sort of nice in a way, to be able to sit here and talk to Nathan, but be able to sort out her thoughts at the same time. He couldn't judge, couldn't criticize.

"All the bad stuff seems to happen to us, you know? You'd think they'd just give us a break every once in a while.. whoever 'they' are," she smiled gently. "Maybe just say, alright, those Tree Hill kids have been screwed over about a million times in two years, so let's just leave them alone for a while." she sighed. "I guess it doesn't work like that, hm?"

"Guess not," a voice came from behind Brooke; Skills was hovering uncertainly by the door, unsure whether to stay or go.

"Hey!" Brooke plastered a bright smile on her face; it felt stretched and crude on her face. "It's nice of you to come visit," she said, hugging him.

"I felt bad, 'cause I haven't been to see Nate since the accident. It's not that I don't care, I just.. I couldn't come and see him. Not like this," Skills gestured to the hospital bed, where Nathan's lifeless form lay. "It's messed up, Brooke. This shouldn't be happening to him, or to Haley."

"I know," Brooke said, placing her hand on Skills's firm shoulder. "It really.. it just. And it's.. for their baby. He's going to grow up not knowing Nathan, not having a dad and that's.. it just shouldn't be allowed to happen."

Skills nodded, settling himself gingerly on the edge of a hospital chair. "He's.. he looks pretty rough. What exactly did the doctors say happened to him?" Skills eyes were full, and so he looked up nonchalantly at the ceiling, dragging a hand across his face.

"The impact of the truck, when he went through the windsheild.. he hit the truck head first, Skills, after he'd already been hit by the old lady. It was.. it was bad to begin with, and then after he hit the truck.. that was it."

Skills said nothing, just gave a long slow nod. "He doesn't even get to graduate, Brooke."

"I know," she took his hand and gave it a gentle squeeze; the smallest gestures seemed to mean so much now: elbows touching, fingers intertwining, even just for a moment. They were all gestures of comfort, and condolence, understanding and compassion. It was things they all needed now, badly, and she'd never before realize how important they could be.

**One Tree Hill**

Deb didn't know what time it was; time seemed to be of no use anymore, and neither did the drugs. It was funny, in a really unfunny way, because she'd thought it would have been the exact opposite, that Nathan's death (or whatever you cared to call it, an endless sleep, an irreversible coma), would only deepen the dependance she held towards the drugs and the alcohol. But it was as if her body had become an empty shell, the soul that she'd once had had died with Nathan's brain power.

Deb had used the drugs because they felt good, because they were a means of escape, because.. just **because**. But now that she had lost Nathan, lost the person that mattered to her the most, there seemed to be no reason for them anymore. Had it not been for the fact that she had stopped using the drugs out of pure depression and emptiness, she would probably be the poster child for Quitting, but as it was people only looked at her in that sickingly sweet, pitying way whenever they saw her.

She was sitting up in her bed, clutching the TV remote like it was a lifeline, a time machine to another world, where her son was still alive, where she was able to eat and sleep whenever the hell she wanted. a world where an eighteen year old girl was not left widowed, to raise her unborn son in a very cruel and unforgiving world.

It was pure, cold irony, Deb thought, that Haley James Scott was living through a more dramatic and tragic version of what Karen had gone through after Dan left her; she wondered if it was a very sick and twisted sort of karmic thing, but she didn't think that even the universe could be that cruel.

When Nathan had been born, Deb held him in her arms, and she promised him, and herself, that she'd never do anything to hurt him. Again, there was the irony, because by creating this child with Dan Scott, allowing him to raise Nathan alongside her, she had already damaged him in a way that might have been beyond repair, had it not been for a few things: Haley dominating all other influencing factors.

It truly was remarkable the kind of effect Haley had had on Nathan; he had always been a good kid, but it rarely shone through, pressure coming from everywhere Nathan looked had overshadowed a lot of that good stuff. But Haley seemed to have this uncanny ability of bringing out the best in Nathan, always.

Deb had wondered before what Nathan would ever do without Haley; she had changed him, and Deb always thought that if Haley were to be taken away, that Nathan might revert to the way he had been; she had never had to worry about what might happen if Nathan was taken away from Haley.

**One Tree Hill**

Haley had been trying everything; she took in books and read to him for hours on end, because that's what that one girl did in that movie, and it seemed to work for her. And then after that, she tried to sing to him, hoping maybe that some part of his brain would register the fact that his wife was there, holding his hand, crying for him, singing him a song.

But nothing was working, and finally Haley had to realize that this wasn't a movie or a book, this was real; Nathan wasn't going to wake up, and so she did what she knew she had to do. She went to Doctor Gould, and she told him. "I want to turn the life support off," she said. It was almost laughable, the fact that these words were even coming out of her mouth. They were words that belonged to another girl, another time, a tragic newspaper article, a sad _Oasis _song. But sure as hell not the words that she should be saying.

"Okay," he nodded his head and clicked his stupid little pen a million times. He explained the procedure to her, but it wasn't something she payed close attention to; she tried to make the words he was saying become meaningless, as though he was not in fact speaking about her husband.

She guessed that she should let everyone know, because they all deserved a chance to say goodbye (or at least that's what she thought should happen, because it seemed to be the standard procedure in all the movies; everyone goes in seperately, either apologizing for all the horrible things they've done, or reminicsing on all the amazing memories they had together).

She told Peyton first, although she didn't really know why; maybe it was because she figured it would be easiest to tell Peyton; Peyton had dated Nathan once, in another lifetime, but they weren't as close (or so she told herself), and so surely it would hurt Peyton less.

Peyton smiled at her, this fake cheery smily, when Haley showed up at her house; she came with some coffee for Peyton, wearing Nathan's old sweater and over sized sweat pants; she felt unattractive and sort of stupid, but she didn't really care: she needed the sweater, because it smelled like him, and she sort of felt like by wearing it, she had a part of him with her.

"Hey Hales," Peyton hugged Haley gently. Haley hated how careful people were with her now, as though they were terrified she might just explode if they were too rough.

"Hi," she said softly. They stood awkwardly for a second, before Peyton led Haley into the living room. "I.. Hales, listen I just.. I know we haven't talked lately, since the accident I just.. I want you to know I'm sorry this is happening to you, so sorry. And if you need someone to talk to.. I sort of know what you're going through. So I'm here."

"Thanks, Peyton, I appreciate that, I really do."

Peyton smiled and sipped at her coffee.

"It's about the life support," she said abruptly. "We're.. **they're **turning it off. I'm sorry," she whispered. "But nothing's happening and I can't just.. he's not going to wake up, and I'm not.. it's not going to feel real to me, it will **never **feel real to me until it's shut off. Otherwise I'm just going to spend every day, for the rest of my life waiting for something that is never going to happen and I-"

"Haley," Peyton put her hand to Haley's elbow, "you don't have to, okay? Whatever you decide, Hales, I'm with and if I were you.. well," she smiled. "I don't know what I'd do, because.. because it's horrible and unimaginable and what I'd do, but.. it's better this way. He's gaining nothing from being kept alive from some machine."

"Thank you," Haley exhaled. "I just feel like I'm letting everyone down.. I'm supposed to keep him safe right? Love him all the time, through sickness **and **through health and this.. this isn't loving him. This is abandoning him," Haley choked out a sob.

Peyton's face gave away the pain she was trying to keep inside, the pain she felt for Haley, Nathan, their unborn child and.. she hated to say it, but herself. "Oh, honey," Peyton squeezed Haley's hand. "You are doing **nothing **wrong here. You are hurting nobody, and we're so behind you, one hundred percent. You need to know that, that nobody is upset with you for doing this."

Haley simply nodded, unable to talk.

Wordlessly, Peyton pulled Haley close to her, setting down her coffee cup on the table; they didn't speak, and Haley wasn't even sure if she actually cried, but all she knew was that it was sort of nice sometimes to just sit and not talk and feel like someone was taking care of you and trying to soak up all your sadness.

**One Tree Hill**

Brooke and Lucas were driving together; they were supposed to be in third period English and Math, respectively, but school didn't seem to matter anymore, and so instead they were driving down a strange road in the country, the radio playing quietly, neither of them saying much. Brooke was curled up in the back seat, her head resting against the window, while Lucas sat up front, one hand on the steering wheel, the other loosely hanging in the air.

"Luke?" she said, her voice small.

"Yeah?"

"How are we gonna do it? Say bye to him and keep.. keep on going after."

"I don't know, Brooke," he was at a loss here; he always knew what to say, how to soothe away worries and make it all okay, but this was just one thing he couldn't make all better by a few kind words. "I really just.. I don't know."

"I'm scared," she admitted. "Maybe there's only so much bad stuff you can take, you know?"

"I know."

"Do you think Haley will ever be okay? He.. he was the love of her life, Luke," her voice was shaking. "How do you ever get past something like that?"

"You don't," he said, not really thinking. "Things are never going to go back to the way they were. Haley's never going to get over it.. it'll get better, and it'll fade, maybe, but she's never going to miss him any less. **We're **never going to miss him any less."

"I don't understand... anything," she said, laughing in a strangled way. "I miss him too. And I feel bad for missing him, because no one can miss him as much as Haley does. But it doesn't mean that **I **don't miss him, that I don't want him back. That I don't wake up every day and wish that Nathan Scott hadn't gone to the god damn Dairy Queen, and that he was still here." Brooke was sobbing now, and so Lucas pulled the car over, and crawled into the backseat beside her. He wrapped his arms around her, and held her tightly.

"It's okay to miss him, and.. it doesn't mean that Haley misses him more than you, Brooke. It just.. she misses him in a different way."

And then suddenly, Brooke was kissing him, and their tears mixed together, and he didn't know what the hell was going on.


	5. Not Your Year

**Hey everyone! I have just decided to NOW begin responding to the lovely reviews I've been getting, so here you go!**

**IloveQuinnAndClay: Thank you so much for all the encouraging reviews! It's really nice to get someone that actually asks you to update! :D Merry Christmas!**

**Tp404: thanks very much! Well I did update, but only about a million years after I started. **

**Lucy: I hope you're still enjoying the story!**

**Lpfan4ever: Ahh, sorry to disappoint you. :( I would have loved to have Nathan come out of the 'coma' ish thing, but I didn't really see it happening and then it would just be a very happy, cheerful story and I'm not much for those.**

**Pxscott06: Well no need to go crazy! I'm going to make a point to try and update this story on a regular basis, and I hope you like the chapter!**

**Leona: Yeah, that's the nice thing about the show, they're all such a great group of friends that you know they'd all totally be there for her. I just hope I'm not getting repetitive, writing the same sad scenes over and over.**

**Tammy: Thanks so much! Yeah, I've actually already written the chapter where Haley gives birth, even though it will be a little while before that happens in the story! Aha it was just sitting in my head and I absolutely had to get it written down. Sorry to make you sad BUT IT IS ALMOST CHRISTMAS!! :D**

**And on that note! I hope you guys all have a great safe, happy holiday season!**

"_I let the day go by, I always say goodbye, I watch the stars from my window sill, the whole world is moving and I'm standing still."- The Weepies; World Spins Madly On_

All sorts of words were being thrown at Haley; she felt like it was third grade gym all over again and she was standing on third base, knees bent, hand rhythmically pounding into her dad's oversized glove, because it made her feel tougher. Her job, they always told her, was to catch the ball and then touch the person that was running towards her. It sounded pretty simple, when put like that: "Haley. Just catch the ball. A _monkey_ could do it." But it was never as easy as they made it sound, and she always ended up standing there, frozen, while all around her people were running and screaming and motioning for her to do **something**; everything moved too quickly for her, so she just gave up.

And now it was like that, but a million times worse, because this wasn't just a game of third grade base ball, where mistakes and screw ups were forgotten by last recess; this was her life, her husband, her baby. This was all so real, but she understood none of it, so she retreated, backed off. She knew it wasn't like her, wasn't like the Haley James Scott everyone else knew, but it was the only thing she could do. She couldn't stand there and listen to them talk about Nathan like he was just another vegetable man, because he wasn't, damn it, he was her husband and she loved him more than was possible, and now he was going to be taken away from her.

"Haley," Lucas said, rubbing her arm, "Hales, the doctor said you should go say bye."

"No," she whispered, arms crossed. "I.. no. Lucas I **can't do this**."

Lucas had no words for this, so instead he kissed the top of Haley's head, held her close for a moment, and then watched as she walked into the hospital room to say goodbye to her husband.

**One Tree Hill**

Dan didn't know the protocol for this. What were you supposed to say to a son that had no idea you were there? The idea was too big and overwhelming for even the mighty Dan Scott to wrap his head around; his son was there, in that bed, beside that crying girl, and there were machines beeping, and his chest moved up and down, and yet all these people were telling him that Nathan Scott was as good as dead.

Dan was a very bullshit kind of guy. He said a lot of things, used a lot of big words, but the majority of the time the things he said carried no weight and meant nothing. And now he needed to say something important and powerful, something that **wasn't **a load of bullshit, and there was nothing he could come up with. He sat on the hospital bed, and he traced Nathan's veins gently with the tip of his fingernail, and he said nothing.

"I love you," was what he came up with, and he kissed Nathan's forehead, and felt that was all that needed to be said, even though he knew he could spend the entire day spewing out apologies that would be of no use to anyone anymore.

He he felt as though those were the three words that Nathan had been trying to get out of his dad his entire life; the words he wanted to hear after a basketball game, whether he played well **or **poorly (although, Dan reminded himself, Nathan never, ever played poorly), the words he wanted to hear when he was sick or upset, words that should have come naturally for him but that never did.

And then Dan Scott, the god damn mayor, was sobbing like a child into his son's shoulder, creating an ever expanding circle of tears on the paper gown Nathan wore. He clung to him, and he tried to make up for all the times he'd kept his arms and heart closed off from Catha (from _everyone),_ and he said sorry without ever saying a word at all.

**One Tree Hill**

"This is kind of a bonus, almost," Peyton was whispering, although she didn't know why. It wasn't like there was anyone around to hear her or tell her to be quiet. "I mean usually, you don't get the chance to say bye like this.. so organized and it's.. you know."

She was talking in circles and making no sense, but she didn't care. All that mattered today was that Nathan Scott was going to be known forever more as that 'poor kid that was taken off life support and left his pregnant wife.. he was supposed to be a really good basketball player, you know?' They'd whisper about him at the grocery store and silent auctions and school dances, hands fanning their mouths so their words couldn't reach other people, people that actually knew and loved Nathan, knew the person he was, not just the sob story he had become.

"Well," her lips trembled, memories and arguments and love danced on them, unspoken, too afraid to make themselves heard. Her eyes closed, and tears leaked out from underneath, dropping steadily off her cheeks and landing gently on her wrist. "You're a really great man," she told him, "and you would have been a great dad. We're all going to make sure they're okay."

She couldn't say anymore or else she was going to grow hysterical so she stared long and hard at Nathan, committing every single part of him to memory, promising that she'd never, ever forget him. She ran her hands over his face, those lips that she used to kiss, those pretty eyes and the fair cheek bones, and then it occurred to her that she didn't want to remember Nathan like this, a lifeless corpse that couldn't do anything for himself. She wanted to remember the way he'd been before, alive and happy and selfless and.. wonderful. So she pressed her lips to his temple and made herself believe that the Nathan lying on the hospital bed wasn't the Nathan they could remember, that this was all just a ceremonial thing and that nothing would be any different when that machine was unplugged.

**One Tree Hill**

Brooke was standing in the corner of the hospital room, as far away from Nathan as she could get, as though a coma was a disease, fast spreading and easy to catch so long as you were around long enough to care. Lucas was sitting in a chair that he'd pulled up beside the hospital bed.

"Brooke? You wanna say anything?" he offered. Lucas didn't seem to need words to say goodbye to Nathan. For Lucas, it seemed to just be a type of closure; he'd been sitting there for maybe ten minutes and had said barely anything at all.

"I.. I don't know," she said quietly, her voice cracking. "I guess not."

"Okay," Lucas stood up suddenly and nodded. He pounded his fist gently into Nathan's lifeless one. "Bye, little brother." His hands shook slightly as he offered one to Brooke. She took it, carefully.

"I feel like I should have this big poignant speech planned out. But I don't.. I don't just want to leave here and have said nothing to him, Lucas."

"You don't have to say anything poignant, Brooke. You don't.. you don't even need to say anything at all."

She nodded, and then stepped away from him carefully, moving over to Nathan. She lowered her voice, whispering into his ear. "You don't deserve this, and I'm sorry. We love you, Nathan, and nobody's **ever** going to forget you. We'll make sure of it."

**One Tree Hill**

Haley figured that if she just laid there like that, the way they used to, her head on his chest, hair tickling the tip of his chin, fingers intertwining, that eventually he'd realize she was there, his wife, with their son, and that he'd wake up and she wouldn't have to do this. But nothing was happening, the doctor kept standing there, outside the door, waiting for her to be ready; how were you ever supposed to be ready for this?

She kneeled by the bed, head pressed into his side, squeezing his hands, tightly. "Nathan, baby," she was rocking on her heels, shaking his arms, "come on. Just.. just open your eyes, and everything's gonna be fine. You can come home and we'll pretend like none of this ever happened. Come on.. Nathan."

Those were the words she meant to say, but what came out was incoherent sobbing and childish gurgling, as she tugged at his hands, and urged him to defy all odds once again, prove everyone wrong and to just be okay. "I can't make it without you," she told him, meaning it more than anything she'd ever said in her life. "I just can't."

Doctor Gould opened the door. "Haley," he said, "can.. I think we should do it now."

"Why? Because you have surgeries you have to do and people you have to help? What about my husband, damn it, what about Nathan?"

"Haley," his eyes were full of pain, "I am so sorry about your husband. You know that. But there are people out there that I can actually help, people that have a chance. There's nothing left for us to do with Nathan. Okay?" he gently placed his hand on the curve of her spine, and she jumped at his touch, and then she was screaming because none of this could be happening and if she screamed loud enough she'd wake herself up from this nightmare, wake Nathan up.

And then the machine that was keeping Nathan alive stopped beeping, the line went flat and he was dead. Officially. Just like that they had taken him away and he was never coming back. This was it.

She didn't know how long she was there, lying with him, trying to pretend like none of it had happened, before Lucas came. It could have been five minutes or five months. It didn't matter, because Nathan wasn't there. **That **was what mattered.

He didn't say anything for a while, he just sat down in the hospital chair and let her cry, and then after a little while he made his way over to the bed, and she didn't know if she reached for him first or if he got to her, but either way, he had soon effortlessly picked her up, cradling her in his arms.

"Haley," he whispered her name over and over again, and she held onto him so tightly, because she couldn't lose anyone again, ever, because Nathan was gone and as long as she stayed there forever, Lucas holding onto her, she would never have to face this fact.


	6. Pretend

"_Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy." - Eskimo Proverb_

Brooke liked to consider herself well-versed when it came to funerals; it was a cryptic and insensitive thing to think, but although she'd attended countless funerals throughout her life, there were very few that actually made her **feel **anything; the funeral for Anna Sawyer, when Brooke had been eight, was the first time the concept of death had actually meant anything to her. Before then, she'd never cared enough to really understand what it meant to die: that your heart stopped beating and they put you in a wooden box and lowered you into the ground, and your life was over, forever. At that particular funeral, she'd sat in the front row of the church, Peyton sandwiched between her and her dad. She'd held her hand and they'd both cried and suddenly understood that death wasn't simply an endless sleep.

And now it was Nathan Scott's funeral, and they were burying **him **under all that dirt, with the bugs and the other rotting bodies, and it was his life that was over before it even had a chance to begin.

Brooke knew how ridiculous it was to lament over how unfair life was, but truly, there must be some law against this sort of thing. So many things had happened to them, in such a short succession of time, and it just.. it didn't make sense to her that just as things were starting to be okay again, the world could take Nathan away from them all, leaving Haley alone, leaving behind a little baby boy that would never know the gentle touch of his father, the effortless way that he could dunk a basketball, his laugh and his smile; they'd all be simply stories to this child.

And they stood outside, and it was drizzling ever so slightly, and it made perfect sense for the world to be crying right now; Brooke wasn't much for signs but she believed that this rain meant something, symbolized something, that the death of Nathan wasn't another thing that just _happened,_ another sad story to be shared and passed down, that Nathan had meant something and had been important, and this was the universe's way of showing it's recognition and sorrow.

Brooke's heart broke every time she looked at Haley, who was standing a few people over from her, clutching tightly onto Lucas's arm; he seemed to be holding her up, and she wondered what would happen if he let go, if she'd just fall down. She was wearing big black sunglasses, a sad little umbrella doing its best to protect her from the rain (yeah, because _that's _what she needed protecting from right now). Her entire body shook, but she didn't cry; Brooke understood that, sort of.

Funerals were supposed to be this big private ceremony, where you were able to mourn the loss of someone that you loved, but they were anything but. People were everywhere, touching you and asking if you were okay, people that you had never spoken to before were suddenly acting as though they were your best friend. You couldn't cry because people stared at you, or they stared **through **you, as though your heart wasn't being so obviously ripped out of your chest in front of everyone.

Regardless of privacy and embarrassment, a part of Brooke wondered if she would have been less disturbed had Haley sobbed and screamed and looked as though she was **hurting.**

**One Tree Hill**

The minister (Haley had to continuously refrain from thinking of him as 'the stranger'), that didn't know Nathan, didn't know his favourite food or his jersey number, and probably didn't even know his middle name until today, was standing serenely by the coffin. He talked as though he had fond memories of a baby Nathan, as though he had been there to see all of Nathan's greatest triumphs... **and **his downfalls.

It infuriated Haley beyond explanation that this man was allowed to stand up here and give a heartfelt eulogy about her husband, while she was expected to play the part of the grieving widow, shake the minister's hand, thank him for the wonderful job he'd done, when in truth he hadn't **done **anything. All he had to do was paste a somber expression on his face for a little while, say a few blessings, and then it was all over for him.

In some part of her mind, Haley registered the fact that Lucas was standing next to her, holding her hand, and that on the other side of her was Deb and Dan, and they were actually standing beside each other, and it almost looked as though maybe Deb's hip bone was touching Dan's, in some tiny gesture of comfort: it made sense that the only thing that could bring them together would be the death of their son.

"To everything there is a season," the minister began, hands folded, head bowed, and Haley remembered the way she used to sit in the living room with her dad, perched on the edge of the couch armrest, singing the Byrds song before she had even known it was a Bible quote, "a time for every purpose under the sun. A time to be born and a time to die."

And then the rest of his speech was lost on Haley, because it was all suddenly washing over her, and she was realizing that Nathan's body was in that coffin, over there, and that it was just **lying **there and she wondered what happened to his soul? His heart had stopped beating, but surely that shouldn't effect anything else?

It struck her so suddenly, like a punch to the stomach, robbing her of breath, that she was never going to have another conversation with him. He was never going to see what their son looked like, and their son was never going to know what his father looked like. Maybe in five or ten years, maybe even less, she wouldn't be able to remember what Nathan's voice sounded like; she'd forget what he smelled like, the smooth texture of his voice.

She must have gasped or whispered, or made some kind of noise, because Lucas was staring at her, his mouth moving discreetly, and she dimly realized that he was asking her something, speaking to her. She shook her head, without even knowing what he was trying to say, and she was panicking, needing to get away from here, away from this tiny cluttered space and all these people, hundreds of people, none of whom could help her in any way because they were not Nathan.

Lucas seemed to understand what was going on, although she was positive she hadn't said anything. He led her out of the row of tightly packed people, past Brooke and Peyton. Brooke raised her eyebrows, silently asking if she was to follow, while Peyton reached out simply and gave Haley's hand a quick squeeze. He shook his head at them, gave what he hoped was a reassuring smile, and kept walking.

"It's okay," he said softly, "almost there."

And then soon they were far enough away from the crowd where everything was just sort of a low, hazy hum, and Haley was able to sink to the grass, her heels making little rectangular indents in the dirt, and Lucas was able to sink down with her and do the only thing he seemed capable of doing anymore: holding her tight to him, trying to soak up all her pain and hurt.

"It's okay," he whispered, over and over, and she didn't know what he meant by it, whether or not he was trying to soothe away her fears or his, but either way, it was a constant rhythm and for right now, that would do.

**One Tree Hill**

Peyton tried to remember what she had wanted after Anna had died, because she had **been** Haley, to some extent; maybe it had been worse for her, or maybe there was no scale for grief, but regardless she felt as though she of all people should be able to help Haley, to offer her some kind of advice and yet she could think of nothing.

She realized, or maybe she had always known, that this was because none of them had the only thing that could make this any better for Haley: Nathan. He was what she needed, the cure to a disease that only she had, so Peyton didn't ask if there was anything she could get for Haley, or tried not to anyway, because she remembered all too well the way it felt.

Complete strangers putting their hands all over you, acting as though they had a right to make you try and 'open up', whatever the hell that meant, people shoving food at you, as though eating would make it all better. Maybe it did in a way, because you felt as though it would close up the permanent hole, like all the food could clog up the place where they should be. It wasn't as though cookies or slivers of pie or plates heaped high with potatoes and beef could actually erase hundreds of memories, snapshots of moments that should have been a lifetime, but it helped to pretend.

They were hosting the funeral party (two words that surely should never, ever be used in the same sentence) at Karen's house, because it seemed morally wrong to do it at Haley's house, when pictures of Nathan were everywhere, baby pictures, pictures of a tiny boy with a basketball in his hand and a smile on his face. The whole house felt like it belonged in one of those children's books, where you had to try and figure out what was wrong with the picture, but instead of a goldfish swimming in the ceiling lamp, it was that Nathan was missing.

Peyton wondered how, exactly, you defined the term missing. Missing could be a little girl that wandered away from her mother in the super market for a few minutes, or it could be a frantic father reporting the abduction of his son. Nathan the person was missing, but all of Nathan's things were not (his sweater was draped over the kitchen chair, his deodorant was still in the bathroom cupboard), and neither were all the people that loved Nathan and so in that way, was he really missing at all?

**One Tree Hill**

When Brooke was little, she had an irrational fear of leaving her house, because home was safe. It was familiar: it was a bowl of Rice Krispies on a Saturday morning, parked in front of the TV watching Sylvester chase Tweety bird around Looney Toon Town. It was where she went to bed almost every night, where she woke up almost every morning. And because it was so routine and normal, nothing bad could possibly ever happen there.

She didn't know if it was because she watched too much news growing up and was constantly subjected to a million different levels of terror, or if it was just because she was little and it was one of those stupid things kids did, but Brooke hated to leave the house. Victoria usually had to drag her, literally kicking and screaming, out the front door whenever they went out.

She outgrew it eventually and in fact, it wasn't a long phase, because it didn't take her long to realize that while home was familiar and safe, it was also a lot like all the museums she ever went to as a child: beautiful to look at, but very cold and you weren't allowed to touch **anything**.

But now that she was older, and people brought guns to a highschool, and people were killed going to get ice cream for their pregnant wives, Brooke wondered why she had ever changed her mind about the sanctity and impervious state of home. She thought that maybe if everyone just stayed at home a lot more often, things wouldn't happen so much: people wouldn't get hit by cars and innocent people wouldn't be killed for no reason at all.

**One Tree Hill**

When Lucas had ushered the last intrusive mourner out the door, stacked all the paper plates and brushed crumbs of crackers from the tables into the garbage can, he went searching for Haley. She seemed to have disappeared a while ago, along with Peyton and Brooke. It didn't take him a long time to find them and when he did, he wasn't sure if he even wanted to disturb them: the three of them were lying on his bed, high heels discarded in a haphazard pile on the floor, blankets pulled up to their chins, mascara stains and bitten nails.

Haley was squished in the middle of them, but she didn't look at all uncomfortable; she looked, in fact, like the physical closeness, the feeling of warm bodies, knowing that they weren't planning on leaving her anytime soon, provided a solace of some kind, let her know that she wasn't entirely alone.

It broke his heart in a hundred different ways but at the same time, it made hope course through his veins and it really was a beautiful sort of mess.


End file.
